Matter of Survival...really

As i sit in Sam's office, One song rang's through my ears..."I need you to survive" by Hezekiah Walker. So I find it on the computer and listen. As the song plays I think of all the people in my life and truly wonder if I would honestly sing such a meaningful song to them. For some,YES, without a doubt in my mind....others, not so much. More importantly, would they?
I've learned the rough way what it feels like to love someone whole heartedly and they just kinda feel the same way. The quote "don't have anyone as your priorty, when they have you as their option", rings so loudly in my heart, that I'm so scared of taking anyone serious....friends and family alike. As the song continues, I begin to wonder if it's true....can anyone truly need someone to survive? My answer is yes...(I believe i need my friends to survive....oh listen to me sayin i have friends...lol...), but yea...I think I do...Why because they always keep me on my toes with the truth....whether I want to hear it or not....and I can't help but respect them for it.
So i guess they kinda are a matter of survival....lol...I wonder if it's vise-versa....

Self-inflicted injuries

I must truly apologize to myself
I must apologize for all the self-inflicted wounds i gave
all the bruises and deep cuts
all the lashing out and slandering thoughts
for all the self-inflicted wounds with my own words

During the conference, i got to see three of the most amazing girlfriends of mine tell there story of how they truly felt like "the ugly duckling", that was preached on thursday. And i was shocked. shocked at the fact that the thought of them even being remotely close to that story was upsurd. For i too have felt that way...
So what's the difference????
The difference was the reasoning, for they truly had the right to say what they've said. Through emotions and expereince (and even maybe some words spoken to them), they have every right to be upset. But for me, i caused my own pain. I told myself all the horrible things of being ashamed and unwanted. The fact that there was favoritism amongst them...because i thought all the preTty people stuck together...that's y they could never talk to me. I allowed myself to be consumed with lies, given by myself.
Little did i know, and definitely got confromation for, the fact that I was so past how i allowed myself to think. and that now more than ever my friends need me. For i have gone through and overcame what they are going through now....
But how to gain there trust????
how to show that they can talk to me about anything???
how to show that they can trust me, once again????
uuummpphhh....idk???

But i do know that ugly ducklings don't exist in the midst of greatness...which we all have:
so to my "Jamaican Queen", "Medford Wife", and "NU Grad"....WE ARE SWANS, WITH A WINGSPAN SO GREAT, NOONE CAN KEEP US FROM SOARING!!!!!

thoughts about the Gathering

Last night was the first night of our conference known as the Gathering. Three different preachers spoke, suprisingly, about the same topics.
Preacher one~
wilderness-the spaces in time where we form a clear and precise identity of who we are by GOD.
Preacher two~
process-a series of actions/motions leading to a series of results.
Preacher three~
wilderness, process, and results (all given through the Ugly Duckling Tale)

I love listening to all three messages because they all were about me. I am that ugly duckling, i don't fit in, and i don't belong. Never have! not soooo sure i want to actually (i'll rant in another blog). But anyways, i definitely loved the service. One thing that has stuck out to me was the broken down understanding of what it means to go through a process. "when impossibility has shown up in the process, God is please because everything else has left and it gives him room to pull out all the stops." (THIS IS A PARAPHRASE, nonetheless i love it's meaning)

The Inner Critic

Throughout my everyday walk and even in my own mind...i hear, i see, and have experience these following statements...
I'm too short
I'm to skinny
I don't have long real hair
I have stretch marks
I need to lose a couple of pounds
I wish i had what she got
I wish I was, what he is....

It's never seem to fail...the same complaints, worries, and DISTRACTIONS, have crossed our minds to many times to count...The more i did it the more distracted I became... I continually ask the Lord every day to help me not complain and worry about the things that's not going to help enhance my spiritual legacy, then the Lord said..."You shouldn't say things about yourself that others don't see, it only insults them." I just laughed and said "wat???" i truly didn't get it, so i prayed.
Then it hit me like a rushing flood, when he said oithers, he didn't mean people, HE meant the angels HE has put around me. They don't see my faults or acknowledge the complaints i have, because i am beautiful, and anything i say that isn't lovely about me, is a contradiction to God's loving work....for nothing he has made has flaws...he's made us perfect for who we are...
so who cares if
your teeth are crooked
or you got a lazy eye
it doesn't matter if your a little bigger than you was 10 years ago
He doesn't see all that
all He sees is His loving child

And I have no right to take that away...

That deep...really???

While in church, on different occasions, I have experience the phrase, "It ain't that deep." People assume that if it's something that wouldn't phase them, then it's not that serious. If it's something that's of the normal, like a joke, (whether they believe or not that it's gone to far), then it ain't that deep....
Well, can anybody explain to me__WHAT IS THAT DEEP???
I hear to many times "it ain't that deep", "it ain't that deep!"
If it ain't that deep, then what is?...
If someone hurts your feelings in anyway
and they think your suppose to be okay
then it ain't that deep...
If someone swings and hits you and you begin to complain
they just say "it wasn't that deep", like they felt the pain....
What if someone takes something you wanted so bad, you throw a fit and cry
all they say is "it ain't that deep" and then they'll sit and sigh
um...excuse me for asking....but who the hell are 'they' ???
and
why do they think that their of any importance
Are they the same ones who tried to slander our race~
spit in our face~
and say WE caught the case....
Or are they the ones who beat us,
"said" they freed us
but still hung us in trees...
Or they maybe the ones who took our pride, our dignity, and our respect
Then they got upset when we became too correct....
ALL WHILE SAYING "IT AIN'T THAT DEEP"
If it ain't that deep then i dojn't know what is....
what makes them any difference from us today...
why?...cause we're "friends'
we know each other to well...is that it????....
it shouldn't be...
With friends like that, who needs enemies....
uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not right....WE say and do these things because they are the norms
but everytime it's utter it's as if to say "we know how you feel on the inside, you say it all the time, and your so sensitive..."
why, do i have to be too sensitive...
whatever happen to not crossing the line...



FOOD 4 THOUGHT~~They told Jesus, through actions, that all his suffering and pain, wasn't that deep...was it that fact that they thought they were so correct, that kept Him moving, or the fact that He knew they were so wrong, that in that split moment everything they thought wasn't that deep would turn around on them and bring so much turmoil for them...
One can only wonder....
but i'm trying to think

Two-Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people in the world: the first kind can only fathom what meets the eyes, while the second kind can only fathom what meets the heart...so which one is naive...

Is it the one who can only love what they see or see what they love...
OR
Is it the one who can only feel with their heart, but never have their heart feel...

Is it the one who can love past pain or who's love is pain
OR
Is it the one who's heart races or who races against the heart...

Too many people walk around fully understanding, yet missing, the essence of what they can truly fathom. Yea, a lot may be known, but how much of it is experienced...
Can you truly love someone with your whole heart, when so much of your heart is missing. What about what you see??? Can you really look at someone and see them full of life, when your slowly dying inside...

So what's naive??? Is it the distorted thinking or the lack of experience...

I CAN ONLY WONDER!!!!

food 4 thought

Have you ever experience something you couldn't quite describe or that you just couldn't fathom


I never knew life could bring u so high, just to plummet u down
I never knew life could bring such joy, just so pain and tears could be friends
i never knew life could make u want wats best 4 others, just so u could get the worst
i never knew life meant having fun, just so boredom could creep through
WOW oh WOW!!!!

u know what i also never knew

i never knew
i
was
this
NIAVE!!!!!

SAUCED!!!!

The Changing Result

"change!"
"change!"
"change!"

This chant echoes from the people,
this phase controls the body,
this 'law' rules the world
and why???
Who said we have to conform to change?
Becuase Ghundi said "Be the change you want to see"
huh?...is that it?

See, that's the issue...
now in this day an' age everything's changing
constantly
and no one takes the time to stop
stop and see the development of the result of that change
they just want to keep the everchanging flow...

manifestation!!!!

Why can't anyone tell me what that means????

it's like a line (it has no begining and no end)
__________________________________________________________

and everytime someone takes the time to develop the result to a change
you get a negative or positve affect

Get it???

When u take the time to see a result (OR ATLEAST BE ONE)...
life begins to really happen....

uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tired of seeing flatlines...it's time to bring some life!!!!
Any takers?????????????????????