Blog reflections...lol

You know, it's good to laugh and as i sit at the computer my eyes seem to scan the page ever so steadily as the words seem to jump off the page....and all i could do was laugh.....hahahahahahaha....pure burst of laughter seem to bellow out from the inner core of my stomach as i reach the end of the last sentence. I then stop.....i stop and think of what was being said....then i laugh some more.....
I often think sometimes what are in people's mind when they began to write things, whether a poem, a short story, or even a memoir.....better yet what do people think when they do the things they do????
It's funny how easily someone can take the biggest specks out of the eyes of someone else....but a million people can say the same thing and you still don't have any remorse....what is wrong wit folks these days....So many "adults" grow up acting their shoe size...it's ridiculous.... (and to piggy back off of a friend)...it is pure selfishness....but it only becomes that when a situation becomes bigger than the people involve....when the effect starts to spread... from there i believe it only gets worse....
But again.....alll i can do is laugh....laugh at the Phoniness, laugh at the lies....just laugh

oh it feels soooooooo good to just laugh....HAHAHAHA....WOOOOOO...I CAN'T BREATHE.....

BUT GOD....I'M PREGNANT!!!!

I'm pregnant!!! My OH My....I'm Pregnant!!!!

I can't beleive it, I didn't notice I was pregnant. I never thought in a million years that I would be worthy enough to hold something as precious as this. It's been developing all along and I haven't even prepared. Oh Lord, please help me....because I'm not ready....

This thing growing inside me is more valuable then rubies or fine gold;...it's that of a dream.... ad ream that isn't quite clear, but the Lord tells me "it doesn't need to be...obedience is key" I can't beleive i didn't realize all this time, all the roller coaster feelings, all the sickness and lost of strength, all the confusion and anxiety.... Yep, def pregnant....But because I know who my baby daddy is, I don't have to worry about not having things paid (cause he's paid it all), I don't have to worry about him not being around (cause he's omnipresent)....He's everything I could ask for and more....so why am I shakeing in my boots???
I'm shaking in my boots because the Doctor( oh yea, he's also a physican) is callling for an emergency c-section, and i'm not quite prepared. I was already operating in something i wasn't suppose to be, for too long, and now that i'm out; i'm to give birth to some thing i haven't fully planned for...Awwww Mannnnnn!!!!!!
I'm scared....terrified....nauseated................BUT GOD....WOOOOO....HALLELUJAH......
BUT GOD.....WOOOOO....HALLELUJAH...........BUT GOD......WOOOOO....HALLELUJAH.....
God promised that he would never leave me nor forsake me, so all i can do is...watch friendships, relationships,....ME~myself.... die, get reborn, or be create Anew...
This pregnancy has been a hard one, with the aches and pains, the swelling and stretch marks,...BUT GOD.....
As i get ready to give birth, the Lord yells push!, push!, push!....(and that's where I'm at...the pushing process)....while i yell i can't take anymore of what's going on around me....I must realize, I'm in my last trimester, i'm on the birthing table, so in the mist of the yelling and screaming I can see the crowning....OH MY!!! it's comin...it's coming...it's coming!!!!....awwwww....it's here (i'm proclaiming in JESUS NAME).... it's here...I think I'll call it My Dream....no better yet....the Lord's ministry....no wait!....God's vision.....cute huh????...lol

meekness or weakness (feel free to respond)

Soft
with an eye for beauty
delicate
with a sense of strength
powerful
with the love of timing
used
for the work of any
These are the signs of meekness...
It takes true beauty, true strength, and the right timing to exihibt MEEKNESS...

See often times meekness gets misinterpreted as weakness...but oh no, it's not!!!
Meekness is having the ability to be humble, gentle and kind, and 9 times out of 10, most people who claim to be humble aren't. You can be humble and not be meek. How??? Because you lack the CAPACITY TO BE GENTLE AND KIND...
But that doesn't make you weak!!!!
What makes a man weak is not realizing the difference and acting out what you think you know.... and you maybe asking me how I kno...well...
I WAS WEAK!!!!....in my mind, probably the weakest!!!!
See, I have never, ever, been drawn to weakness. Strength is what always kept me interested in the fight. Little did I know then, that I was just as strong, if not stronger than those of my surroundings. As they strengthen my weaknesses I find it only appropriate that I must do the same.
So now that I have weakness conquered, I will be forever trying to exemplify meekness in all that I do...

Retraction

I'm sitting here at work, reading over the blogs once written and i wonder....can i retract the blogs once wrote. I think i spoke to prematurely on somethings and about somethings. Now I feel utterly stupid. Then another thought crossed my mind, can i retract some people. Why isn't that possible? Better yet, why can't I fast from certain people...lol...a smile comes on face as just try to envision. I can't be friends with them right (just me), and I can't cast them away (not Godly), so wat?....OOO hear I go sounded like the victim again....oopss!!! let me stop before a riot breakes out. I've been pushin and pushin and pushin for something in a relationship, that will never become and now my tanks on "E". No!!! my tank was on "E" before the lashing out begin no I'm just runnin on fumes, and once I'm out, I'm OUT!!!! (no threat, just reality) If i could i would retract all the statements i once gave, bad and good....since u can't win for losing, the game should never be played. If I could I would retract from myself, since I'm causing my own pain... Who am I to deviate anyones progress....actually who said I was that important...o-o-o victim, victim, victim...sorry sorry....I guess I can't help it...oh well it is wat it is!!!!!

Saving a Nation

Through this whole week I've been studying from, meditating on, and praying from the book of Esther. The book of Esther tells the story of a young gorgeous woman who is chosen to replace Queen Vashti through marriage. During her influential reign she is persuaded to put her life on the line to help save her people. WOW OH WOW!!!! That's a challenge. As I continuously ponder on this story, I wonder if I could step up to the plate like that, when the time comes. Could I truly give myself up for a nation? Am I really that worthy? I mean, Nathaniel is the only one that comes to mind, when i think of giving up my own life, so that he may have one. During the council Pastor King talked about being THE woman to save a nation, but how? How can little ol' me do something that great. There are so many annointed young ladies around me who are so much more worthy, than I. Then something dropped in the pit of my spirit, while I was reading. It was something that i had missed completely. Something I think people often overlook. Esther never saved her nation, with thousands of people. She never asked for any help, when confronting the King. Through one man's plea (Mordecai), she step out on faith and simply said, "...if I perish, I perish." I think that's very, very inspiring, and then a thought hit me. If it's a fact that many nations make up the world, then it's also true that every person has their own little world. Now if every person has their own little world, and I can help save apart of that world, then I TRULY am saving a nation. I don't have to preach to millions of people overseas, to be saving a nation; but if I can help save a friend in one aspect of his or her life, than I truely am saving a nation. Maybe even a generation or a legacy. See, the enemy doesn't take offense to something a Christian says or does, because the attack is not on us, but on our lineage and spiritual legacy. He never challenges us directly, but like the King tried to do to Mordecai, he tries to wipe out our whole race!!! But the only way I can truly be the leader God wants me to be is by allowing my cause to become more important than expensive clothes or gadgets, more important than earthly opinions, and more important than fleshly relationships (just to name a few)...I mean I'm not no high kakamorious Christian, so heavenly bound; no earthly good, but I must allow myself to go through somethings, so others don't have to (or if they do at least not like I did). I know this takes discipline and consistentency, along with alot of wilderness visits, but God has equipped me....and guess what....He has equipped you to...

Matter of Survival...really

As i sit in Sam's office, One song rang's through my ears..."I need you to survive" by Hezekiah Walker. So I find it on the computer and listen. As the song plays I think of all the people in my life and truly wonder if I would honestly sing such a meaningful song to them. For some,YES, without a doubt in my mind....others, not so much. More importantly, would they?
I've learned the rough way what it feels like to love someone whole heartedly and they just kinda feel the same way. The quote "don't have anyone as your priorty, when they have you as their option", rings so loudly in my heart, that I'm so scared of taking anyone serious....friends and family alike. As the song continues, I begin to wonder if it's true....can anyone truly need someone to survive? My answer is yes...(I believe i need my friends to survive....oh listen to me sayin i have friends...lol...), but yea...I think I do...Why because they always keep me on my toes with the truth....whether I want to hear it or not....and I can't help but respect them for it.
So i guess they kinda are a matter of survival....lol...I wonder if it's vise-versa....

Self-inflicted injuries

I must truly apologize to myself
I must apologize for all the self-inflicted wounds i gave
all the bruises and deep cuts
all the lashing out and slandering thoughts
for all the self-inflicted wounds with my own words

During the conference, i got to see three of the most amazing girlfriends of mine tell there story of how they truly felt like "the ugly duckling", that was preached on thursday. And i was shocked. shocked at the fact that the thought of them even being remotely close to that story was upsurd. For i too have felt that way...
So what's the difference????
The difference was the reasoning, for they truly had the right to say what they've said. Through emotions and expereince (and even maybe some words spoken to them), they have every right to be upset. But for me, i caused my own pain. I told myself all the horrible things of being ashamed and unwanted. The fact that there was favoritism amongst them...because i thought all the preTty people stuck together...that's y they could never talk to me. I allowed myself to be consumed with lies, given by myself.
Little did i know, and definitely got confromation for, the fact that I was so past how i allowed myself to think. and that now more than ever my friends need me. For i have gone through and overcame what they are going through now....
But how to gain there trust????
how to show that they can talk to me about anything???
how to show that they can trust me, once again????
uuummpphhh....idk???

But i do know that ugly ducklings don't exist in the midst of greatness...which we all have:
so to my "Jamaican Queen", "Medford Wife", and "NU Grad"....WE ARE SWANS, WITH A WINGSPAN SO GREAT, NOONE CAN KEEP US FROM SOARING!!!!!

thoughts about the Gathering

Last night was the first night of our conference known as the Gathering. Three different preachers spoke, suprisingly, about the same topics.
Preacher one~
wilderness-the spaces in time where we form a clear and precise identity of who we are by GOD.
Preacher two~
process-a series of actions/motions leading to a series of results.
Preacher three~
wilderness, process, and results (all given through the Ugly Duckling Tale)

I love listening to all three messages because they all were about me. I am that ugly duckling, i don't fit in, and i don't belong. Never have! not soooo sure i want to actually (i'll rant in another blog). But anyways, i definitely loved the service. One thing that has stuck out to me was the broken down understanding of what it means to go through a process. "when impossibility has shown up in the process, God is please because everything else has left and it gives him room to pull out all the stops." (THIS IS A PARAPHRASE, nonetheless i love it's meaning)

The Inner Critic

Throughout my everyday walk and even in my own mind...i hear, i see, and have experience these following statements...
I'm too short
I'm to skinny
I don't have long real hair
I have stretch marks
I need to lose a couple of pounds
I wish i had what she got
I wish I was, what he is....

It's never seem to fail...the same complaints, worries, and DISTRACTIONS, have crossed our minds to many times to count...The more i did it the more distracted I became... I continually ask the Lord every day to help me not complain and worry about the things that's not going to help enhance my spiritual legacy, then the Lord said..."You shouldn't say things about yourself that others don't see, it only insults them." I just laughed and said "wat???" i truly didn't get it, so i prayed.
Then it hit me like a rushing flood, when he said oithers, he didn't mean people, HE meant the angels HE has put around me. They don't see my faults or acknowledge the complaints i have, because i am beautiful, and anything i say that isn't lovely about me, is a contradiction to God's loving work....for nothing he has made has flaws...he's made us perfect for who we are...
so who cares if
your teeth are crooked
or you got a lazy eye
it doesn't matter if your a little bigger than you was 10 years ago
He doesn't see all that
all He sees is His loving child

And I have no right to take that away...

That deep...really???

While in church, on different occasions, I have experience the phrase, "It ain't that deep." People assume that if it's something that wouldn't phase them, then it's not that serious. If it's something that's of the normal, like a joke, (whether they believe or not that it's gone to far), then it ain't that deep....
Well, can anybody explain to me__WHAT IS THAT DEEP???
I hear to many times "it ain't that deep", "it ain't that deep!"
If it ain't that deep, then what is?...
If someone hurts your feelings in anyway
and they think your suppose to be okay
then it ain't that deep...
If someone swings and hits you and you begin to complain
they just say "it wasn't that deep", like they felt the pain....
What if someone takes something you wanted so bad, you throw a fit and cry
all they say is "it ain't that deep" and then they'll sit and sigh
um...excuse me for asking....but who the hell are 'they' ???
and
why do they think that their of any importance
Are they the same ones who tried to slander our race~
spit in our face~
and say WE caught the case....
Or are they the ones who beat us,
"said" they freed us
but still hung us in trees...
Or they maybe the ones who took our pride, our dignity, and our respect
Then they got upset when we became too correct....
ALL WHILE SAYING "IT AIN'T THAT DEEP"
If it ain't that deep then i dojn't know what is....
what makes them any difference from us today...
why?...cause we're "friends'
we know each other to well...is that it????....
it shouldn't be...
With friends like that, who needs enemies....
uuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not right....WE say and do these things because they are the norms
but everytime it's utter it's as if to say "we know how you feel on the inside, you say it all the time, and your so sensitive..."
why, do i have to be too sensitive...
whatever happen to not crossing the line...



FOOD 4 THOUGHT~~They told Jesus, through actions, that all his suffering and pain, wasn't that deep...was it that fact that they thought they were so correct, that kept Him moving, or the fact that He knew they were so wrong, that in that split moment everything they thought wasn't that deep would turn around on them and bring so much turmoil for them...
One can only wonder....
but i'm trying to think

Two-Kinds of People

There are two kinds of people in the world: the first kind can only fathom what meets the eyes, while the second kind can only fathom what meets the heart...so which one is naive...

Is it the one who can only love what they see or see what they love...
OR
Is it the one who can only feel with their heart, but never have their heart feel...

Is it the one who can love past pain or who's love is pain
OR
Is it the one who's heart races or who races against the heart...

Too many people walk around fully understanding, yet missing, the essence of what they can truly fathom. Yea, a lot may be known, but how much of it is experienced...
Can you truly love someone with your whole heart, when so much of your heart is missing. What about what you see??? Can you really look at someone and see them full of life, when your slowly dying inside...

So what's naive??? Is it the distorted thinking or the lack of experience...

I CAN ONLY WONDER!!!!

food 4 thought

Have you ever experience something you couldn't quite describe or that you just couldn't fathom


I never knew life could bring u so high, just to plummet u down
I never knew life could bring such joy, just so pain and tears could be friends
i never knew life could make u want wats best 4 others, just so u could get the worst
i never knew life meant having fun, just so boredom could creep through
WOW oh WOW!!!!

u know what i also never knew

i never knew
i
was
this
NIAVE!!!!!

SAUCED!!!!

The Changing Result

"change!"
"change!"
"change!"

This chant echoes from the people,
this phase controls the body,
this 'law' rules the world
and why???
Who said we have to conform to change?
Becuase Ghundi said "Be the change you want to see"
huh?...is that it?

See, that's the issue...
now in this day an' age everything's changing
constantly
and no one takes the time to stop
stop and see the development of the result of that change
they just want to keep the everchanging flow...

manifestation!!!!

Why can't anyone tell me what that means????

it's like a line (it has no begining and no end)
__________________________________________________________

and everytime someone takes the time to develop the result to a change
you get a negative or positve affect

Get it???

When u take the time to see a result (OR ATLEAST BE ONE)...
life begins to really happen....

uuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
I'm tired of seeing flatlines...it's time to bring some life!!!!
Any takers?????????????????????